Tuesday, September 13, 2011

A Year Ago Today

A year ago yesterday, I had no idea how my life was about to change. I had been diagnosed with PCOS three months earlier, and was told there was a chance that JD and I might never be able to have children of our own. We had decided to stop doing anything to prevent me from getting pregnant, because we didn't want to put any more restrictions on our situation than my body was already putting.

When I was diagnosed, we decided that if I didn't get pregnant in the next six months, we would try clomid, a fertility drug. I was willing to take pills but not willing to do anything more invasive, like shots. And we had pretty much decided against adoption, though we didn't completely rule out the possibility. We decided that if I couldn't get pregnant with minimal effort, then we would do everything we could to live a full life, just the two of us. And our pets.

Little did we know that two short months after my diagnosis, I would be pregnant. I had a check-up with my doctor on a Thursday in September to adjust some medication that I take for insulin resistance (caused by the PCOS). I showed my doctor the temperature chart I had been keeping for the previous few weeks. I was just trying to get a feel for how the charting would work, and was eager to show him how I'd been doing with it.

He gave it a cursory glance, handed it back to me and said, "If you don't start your period by Monday, take a pregnancy test and call me with the results. Looks to me like you could be pregnant." I literally laughed in his face. I told him he was silly and that there was no way I was letting him get my hopes up like that. He shrugged and said, "Ok well I'll talk to you about it next week."

I didn't think much about it over the weekend. In my mind, there was zero chance that I was going to get pregnant that easily. But being the good patient I am, I took a test I had at the house while I was getting ready for work on Monday morning, September 13th. JD banged on the bathroom door and asked what I was doing that was taking so long and I yelled back that I had just taken a pregnancy test because Dr. A had told me to, but that it was negative. I was so sure that it was negative that I glanced at it and even though there was a clear "+" sign, it didn't even register that that actualy meant positive.

The image of the "+" on the test started to sink in as I was working, and I suddenly freaked out and started googling images of positive pregnancy tests. I called JD after work and told him I was no longer sure that the test was actually negative, and to clear things up in my mind I was going to take another test --this time digital, so there would be no question about the results.

JD had to work late. I think he was working out his baseball team or something along those lines. So I bought the test and went home to take it by myself, still completely convinced that I wasn't really pregnant.

Except I was. 

I remember the completely surreal, almost out-of-body feeling that I experienced when the word "pregnant" popped up in the little window. I looked at myself in the mirror and thought, "We did it." Only, we didn't do anything. We hadn't had to do anything. No pills, no shots, not even an ovulation predictor.

We'd only had to trust. That if we were meant to have a baby, God would give us our baby. That if we weren't, we would be ok. Somehow, we would be ok.

Most days I was able to convince myself of this. But not all.

Those three months of not knowing if we would have children weren't easy. In fact, at times they were pretty hard. I tried not to show it to anyone, especially JD. Because I didn't want him to know how deeply disappointed I would be if I couldn't have a baby, to know that I would feel as if my life's purpose wasn't being realized, to know that I would feel as if I had failed- both myself and him.

I had no idea that one night really soon I would be staring at my face in the mirror, trying to digest the realization that I was a mother.

That night, I called JD and very unceremoniously told him on the phone that I was mistaken earlier that day and that I was, in fact, pregnant. Two trips to the doctor and two blood draws later, he was convinced. It turned out that I wasn't the only one who needed a little extra convincing that we were really going to have our baby.

And we had no idea that in one short year (no really, it flew by), we would have the most amazing four-month-old baby to ever grace the planet. We had no idea how completely our lives would change. We didn't know that we'd been walking around with a Jaxon-shaped hole in our hearts and that our family puzzle would begin to come together in such a beautiful way.

It's amazing to think that in one year, JD and I went from being a couple to a family of three. Maybe in another year we'll start trying to add to our famiy. Or maybe we'll decide that our family is perfect just the way it is for a while. Or maybe even forever.

The last year has taught me that life doesn't always turn out exactly the way we think it will. Sometimes it surprises us in the best way possible.

8 comments:

Erika and Jason said...

So sweet Amber! I was SO happy for you when you guys found out. I can't believe Jax is 4 months. Time really does fly by!!

Kristin said...

Wow you guys have really been through a lot. So happy everything turned out well and that you have your sweet baby boy!!

missy. said...

what a great story!! i'm so glad to hear that you were able to get pregnant and have your adorable little boy. he sure is precious :) xoxo

SamiieVang said...

Thank you for such an amazing post! I really enjoyed reading it. =]

Dawn said...

Great blog, my friend!! Excellent journal of your feelings that day. Hugs to you and that sweet boy!

Annie said...

this is such a great post, you have a little miracle baby! :) jax is adorable and so lucky to have you and JD as parents! i can tell how blessed you two feel! :)

Ashley @ KiwisandCocktails said...

Wow!! What a great way to get your little guy!! What a great surprise.

Ocean Dreams said...

Loved reading this and couldn't be happier for you. Your baby is precious and I'm so glad that God's plans are sometimes the most surprising and exciting at the same time. xoxo.