Don't Cry Because It's Over, Smile Because It Happened

This is the attitude I'm trying to have about our breastfeeding journey. I mentioned a couple of posts ago that we might have to end it early, and it turned out that we did. I also said that I wouldn't beat myself up too much if it happened, but I kind of am.

Jaxon was allergic or sensitive to something in my diet, which was causing him to have blood in his stools (pretty scary to see as a parent) and a frequently upset tummy. We originally thought that milk protein was the culprit so I stayed away from it for a while but there was no improvement (the situation just seemed to get worse as time went on). Jax's doctor explained that it could take weeks or months of trial and error to figure out which food was the problem and in the meantime, he would continue to have stomach and bleeding issues.

Our doctor consulted with a pediatric gastroenterologist to get a second opinion, since he is a proponent of breastfeeding and really didn't want us to have to stop. The gastroenterologist agreed with Dr. Wood's assessment, so he said that although it was the last thing he wanted to have to tell us, if his child was in this situation he would switch him to a hypoallergenic formula.

Several days later, I'm still trying to come to terms with this decision. I know that breastfeeding doesn't work out for some people, for many different reasons. It just makes me so sad that I'm not able to provide my son with the absolute best nutrition. I fought through the learning curve of the first few weeks of nursing, latching issues, and worry that he wasn't getting enough, not to mention the horrible pain, and had just started to really get into the groove of breastfeeding. I was looking forward to continuing for months to come.

To be told that I can't do for my son what women have been doing for thousands of years is just hard to hear. I've shed many tears thinking about it and probably will for a while.

But when I do, I try to focus on the positives. Jaxon no longer has blood in his diapers (a HUGE relief). He seems to feel better in general. I was able to breastfeed him for the crucial first few weeks of his life and a little beyond (close to 10 weeks). I won't have the headache of pumping when I go back to work. I'll be able to take that work trip in November without having to worry about how my baby's going to eat while I'm gone. I can eat whatever the heck I want to now. And I can finally have a glass of wine with dinner on occasion.

If I could have chosen how our breastfeeding journey ended it wouldn't have been this way, but parenting is a lot about rolling with the punches and taking things as they come. I might still shed some tears over what could have been, but I'm so grateful for a healthy happy baby and for the specialized nutrition that's available to him.

And when all else fails, I just look at my little chunker and remind myself that he doesn't really care where his food comes from, as long as it gets in his belly!